It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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