She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
