i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
