tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
