So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
