i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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