I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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