In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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