Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
