Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
being pregnant is like rehab
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
