I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
