hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
