I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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