Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
