You just made me feel so damn special
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
