i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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