Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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