i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
