Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
