yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
