Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
what day is it and did you see me today?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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