That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
