I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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