Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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