there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
