just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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