my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize