it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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