Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
