Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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