My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
