they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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