just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
