I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
