When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
