I'm gonna have a badass scar
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
