It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
