it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
