I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
