I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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