Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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