I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Randomize
