haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
