seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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