Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
