how can u be prego again
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
