there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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