white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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