i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
