i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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