i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
