I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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