My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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