Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This house was built for laser tag.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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