he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
