Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
