I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
