hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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