I need help removing her.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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