You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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