I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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