so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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