dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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