Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
