You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize