Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
