who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
