My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize