I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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