What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
