Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize